How I’m Making Uncomfortable Decisions Even When I’m Unsure

Fear of Success is actually the Belief of Unworthiness

I’m in a weird place in my life right now and some of it may be due to the weather and starting a New Year very different from what I imagined.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

At the beginning of 2021, I decided to pursue self-employment or at least find and do work that I liked. My previous two positions while very lucrative were driving me full speed into the pit of despair. And for the sake of my sanity and my family, I resigned and set out to do work that didn’t leave me feeling empty and discouraged.

I started by giving singing lessons on Wyzant platform. I started the month with two and had around 10 by the end. However, I got so much anxiety whenever the time came that I stopped. I was also hired by a friend to be her Virtual Assistant (VA). This unfortunately reminded me how much a despite “work for the bees” or tedious work. She understood as she was giving me work she didn’t even want to do herself, lol!

In addition to both of those gigs, I also started shopping and delivering with Shipt. And surprisingly this is the only gig that I kept doing throughout the whole year. In fact, from May until September it was my main source of income.

However, Shipt does not pay a lot, especially in my area. So in August I started applying for jobs again and saw a lot of remote positions for Web Developers. I know random, lol

Anywho, I did some research and found a coding boot camp that was completely online and took the Post 9/11 G.I. Bill. The G.I. Bill is a veteran benefit that not only pays for school, but also gives veterans a monthly housing stipend, covers the cost of books, and sometimes pays an additional amount called the kicker.

Your girl GOT ALL OF THAT!!

So I started my coding BootCamp and now it’s been 4 months. I’m not entirely sure what will come after this. I like coding, but it also gives me a bit of anxiety and I’ve learned from my past that I need to pay special attention when I start to feel that way.

Fear of Success or Failure?

Thanks to my amazing friend and former Life Coach, Aja Valcania, from Freedom Supply Society, I’ve learned that feelings aren’t good or bad; they are notifications. I also learned from Aja, and my favorite Bible teacher, Timothy Keller, that it’s important to make a decision.

When our path seems unclear or we start to feel stuck, we must remember we have options. And it’s even more important to make a decision, even if we’re scared or unsure of the outcome.

Because the truth is…we never know that outcome. We can plan until we’re blue in the face and life will come along and undo ALL of our plans.

Has that happened to you before? It’s definitely happened to me.

And just a couple of days ago the feelings of anxiety and fear were up creeping up on me again. I started to fret about the future and things I have no control over. It took me 3 weeks to finally let go and start living again.

My biggest haters are my thoughts, my doubts, and my fears.

Fear that I might get what I want and hate it.

Fear that I will never get what I want and my life would be ruined.

I’ve spent the last 4 months learning to code and I still have so much more to learn. Not only that the bar for getting a coding job is extremely high, especially with the “coding challenges” that flood initial interviews. I SUCK at coding challenges!!

And I’m also dealing with the horrors of my past work experiences.

What if I do get a coding job only to end up with another horrible supervisor or toxic workplace?

The Next Logical Step…

Are you freaked out? I was!!

But then I remembered that I have options. I also remembered that I can only do what I can do. It may sound like a cop-out, but it’s true. Living in the moment and focusing only on taking the next logical step has helped me so much!!

When I start to freak out about the future, even if it’s the next day I stop and thank God for “my daily bread”. It helps remind me that God told us, in His Word, to not worry about tomorrow and that He would give us our daily bread (think manna and the Israelites).

Worry, anxiety, and fear cannot add another second to my life or change things before they even happen. In fact, studies show they usually make things worse for our physical, mental, emotional, and psychological well-being.

It takes constant practice and I don’t always get it right, but I am getting better. For example, my next logical step today was to apply for SNAP, apply for a couple of jobs, buy groceries, do some Shipting, and write this blog post.

I also spent time with my boys, cuddled my cats, and drank some Matcha!

Even now I’m not worried about the outcome of this blog post, nor will I let fear of perfection and the unknown stop me from pushing “publish”.

I DO however hope this post eventually helps someone and gives them some peace.

Welp, I also suck as conclusions…so ttyl!!

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